sick

and twisted

my sinuses are clogged. i’m on my period and i'm free bleeding into a towel. i don't subscribe to Big Tampon. Big Q-Tip on the other hand has its claws in me. i went too deep again. i asked my mom to hide the q-tips from me. i can't control myself. i have a fever and it is 4am and for this reason i can’t sleep. my entire body is hot like a furnace. the last time i had a fever was in january, i was deathly ill. i searched on google 

“is it normal to be more horny when you’re sick”

“is it normal to be more horny when you have a fever reddit”

a few people said they have. some guy said he puked on his wife. in one deleted post this girl talks about how her boyfriend gets excited when she gets a fever because it feels “best”. she doesn't elaborate on what makes it "best". sounds like my kind of guy. the comments do not agree. they say that he gives them the creeps. what do they know about anything. others say they also get horny while hungover, which is a bit too much for me. recently my hangovers have been getting bad, although it's mostly mental, and i'm aroused by the thought of death by carbon monoxide poisoning and nothing else. apparently, fever sex was mentioned in the book lolita, but i wouldn't know because the copy i own is merely for decoration. humbert humbert had a french word for it, of course he did. non reddit articles advise against it, citing that you're probably in far too weak of a state, and over exerting yourself could only lead to further dehydration and illness. hadn't thought of that. i was actually too weak to hold a spoon to my mouth. i was also alone.

but persistent nonetheless. i tried to find some fever themed erotica, preferably written by some fat bitch in nebraska that crotchets and owns too many cats so i could be sure i was getting some quality prose, but i couldn't find it. maybe i didn't look hard enough, but even my initial search yielded only a few results, by the 5th or 6th link things were already getting irrelevant. the combination of the words sick and horny summoned a post titled IM SICK AND FUCKING TIRED OF BEING HORNY from r/teenagers. you can imagine the rest. 

either i am really bad at working search engines or platitudes about how you are not alone do not apply to me. the latter being something i already strongly suspect. but the former being probably true also. 

today i rode in silence half an hour each way with my disgruntled father to the only open aldi for their store brand spinach dip. i was bedrotmaxxing for a few days and i decided to go out yesterday. sometimes i’m on my phone so long it hurts my brain and body. so me and my best friend went to division fest to have a meal and sat down when what's your fantasy by ludacris started to play. i told her a story about when a remix of the song was trending on tiktok and me and my ex boyfriend were having dinner outdoors on division, sort of like we were doing now, at sea and olive, a MID mediterranean restaurant that no longer exists and has now been replaced with another med place named elia. it doesn’t look any more promising. i played the remix from my phone that i had saved on soundcloud, often the only place you will find the catchy ear worms tiktok pushes to you. he said blassie this song has been around since you were born. and i went sure but it’s the first time i’m enjoying it and it’s remixed. 

he went this is what i used to hear at the club. back when i was your age. why don’t you hang out with your friends and go to the club. 

which is something he’d often tell me. i'd go because i’m with you. why isn't that enough. and also i’m not 21 yet. he was mean. he was in a bad mood because they told us they would not be able to seat us at homestead on the roof even though we had a reservation, so we had to stand at the bar with all of the people told the same thing. does it smell like a school gymnasium in here. why bother making a reservation. 

why bother at all. my attempts at light hearted humor were all for naught. so they tore sea and olive down. my depressing memories had no such luck. 

cici and i were having the dan dan noodles from lao peng you, one of our favorite dishes when hungover. i  thought this place was a hole in the wall when we first went because of their bare bones decor but should have known something was up when all of their cashiers looked like models. they have a very popular instagram page, followed by friends of your friends and the other cool restaurants you follow. but the noodles at the fest disappointed. too chewy. too dry. have them at the restaurant, you won’t regret it. the people operating the lao peng you stand were playing the ludacris song. they also played so anxious by ginuwine. another one with a memory attached but i’ll spare you the details of that one. they were dancing and taking shots. i remarked to cici what do they think this is the fucking bear. we both laughed. i like the tough guy, food snob, ironic tattoo, “the only thing darker than my coffee is my sense of humor” vibe of restaurant staff that the cool places in every major city have. it’s like they hate their customers even though their clientele is the most over apologetic, anxious middle class WFH fair tipping believe the science ass liberal people to exist. you bully them not the other way around. the “karen” is a psychosexual fantasy that a lot of people have but seldom do they encounter. the servers of a chilis in midlothodian, illinois have the right to complain. you guys don't. you guys have it good. 

i went to cici’s apartment and got a really bad allergic reaction to her cat. i’m allergic to cats. this isn’t like, news to me. i’m very allergic to cats. but i figured once we got out into the fresh air it’d go away, my itchy eyes would know peace and i’d stop snotting like a kindergartener too anxious to ask for tissue paper. i say that as if that’s not who i was and am. i hate asking for tissue. i’ll drip onto the sleeve of my shirt until it can no longer fit any more liquid.  

sometimes i ask myself “blassie why do you make it so easy for people to make fun of you, you rile them up and show them where they can twist the knife” 

and the answer is i don’t know. 

and lately it does feel like people are laughing at me instead of with me. when people have recognized me from the internet the past few times they have struggled to find their words