blassie vs. blassie

inside me there are two wolves and they're making out

i spent my 7 days of suspension alone and withdrawing from benzos. i seldom left the apartment, and wore sunglasses indoors the entire time. the deeper into solitude i slipped the crueler and more erratic my inner monologue became. i interviewed myself.

don’t you think it’s a little presumptuous to think people want to read your thoughts any more than they already have to?

i agree. i’m sorry i’m always on your timeline. but i can always say “well, no one has to read this if they don’t want to.” it’s true, they certainly don’t. 

what about the 5 dollar paywall? 

that only exists so that i can write what i want without fear of someone accidentally stumbling upon it. if you want to pay that’s your own journey. but this post is free.

that’s a good answer. but it’s not what you really want to say, is it? 

it’s not. i think you should read what i write and pay for it because i’m very special and gifted. 

is that really how you feel? 

yes.

interesting. where are you currently?

alone in the apartment.

is it true that when you’re in your ex’s apartment and you’re eating popcorn, you sometimes get grossed out when a piece of it falls onto the couch because all you can think about is how it could be coming into contact with the sexual secretions of other women he’s invited over from tinder and fucked on that same couch? 

yeah. he’s a philanderer. i throw away the popcorn. 

gross to eat on the couch anyway. but as far you know, only your stuff is on that couch. you have reason to suspect otherwise, but no solid evidence. 

right. it’s like a cat with a laser pointer. never caught him, i just kept pawing at the carpet and getting no relief

he wasn’t particularly good at hiding his cheating. you’re just very gullible. and slow.

that’s part of it

it’s been over for more than a year. why are we still talking about this?

i dunno. i’m over him but getting cheated on broke my brain. i can’t trust anyone. when the cat realizes he is impotent in the face of the laser, it drives him insane. cats can get OCD that way, seriously.

no more cat stuff

okay

despite how much you bad mouth him you still live at his apartment. 

only when he’s out of town. it’s a great location, close to my friends-

you only have 1 friend. 

okay. close to my friend. and it’s a beautiful space, the train and several buses only steps away-

are you trying to sell me this apartment? 

stop interrupting. and it’s not like you can afford it. 

i’ll make the jokes here. are you going to tell us about how you’re only staying there because you’re blackmailing him?

it’s not blackmail

yes it is. you can go on and on about walkability scores and being surrounded by good restaurants but the biggest appeal of it is being away from your mom, isn’t it? 

yeah. 

why do you hate her so much? 

i didn’t say that. she’s just very smothering, extremely neurotic, i’m trying to cut off the umbilical cord, it gets overwhelming to be around her.

sounds like someone i know. 

apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. 

no kidding. care to keep piling on your poor mother?

only behind a paywall. 

coward. do you think talking about your ex boyfriend is a substitute for a personality? 

no. 

it isn’t. and making a clown of yourself to thousands of people on the internet is not a substitute for a career, either 

sometimes hundreds of thousands. it pays the bills. 

bills? 

it’s just an expression. 

it sates your need for attention? 

that’s what i meant.

but no amount of attention, good or bad, has really helped. if anything, it leaves you contorting yourself for more when the steady stream of hate begins to run dry. only saying more bizarre things and alienating people who used to like you. 

yes. i’m trying to be better. 

you’re banned on twitter right now for how many more days? 

4 days, 18 hours. 

that’s why you’re writing this? 

it seems like it. 

who is calling your phone right now? 

it’s my ex. i called him 10 times to tell him about how when i was using the faucet this morning there was a flash of muddy water running, before the water got clear again. it scared me. 

he’s paying how much for this place? why didn’t he pick up the first 10 times? 

he said he was in shul. and he wasn’t using his phone because it’s shabbat. 

do you believe him? 

not for a second. 

all of a sudden he’s religious. well he’s in miami, and why else would he be in miami? 

whores and drugs. 

i didn’t want to be the one to tell you. 

trust me, i know. 

do you think writing this and posting it is ruining all potential romantic prospects, something you say you so desperately crave? 

yeah but they were already pretty ruined. 

i know. trick question 

gosh

your followers don’t believe that you’re really lonely. 

i know. they have no idea what i feel 

what are you listening to? 

atomic by blondie. 

you first heard that song in los angeles, really showing your age. how was that trip? 

it was fun. 

remember when someone on twitter anonymously called you a SoCal 5? 

only everyday. 

they’re right, you know.

i know 

it looked fun. you don’t deserve to have that much fun. you’re not thinking of moving there, are you? 

i don’t think you have to suffer in order to deserve enjoying yourself

yes you do. you have literally always thought this

it’s true i have

if people don’t like you in chicago why would they like you in LA, or new york, or anywhere else?

no idea. they might not. 

they don’t. 

ok. 

do people like you in chicago?

i find it incredibly difficult to speak to others and i feel like this stops me from forming real friendships. also i’m really dumb and a bad conversationalist

what do you have to say to people who are inevitably going to say you’re trying to be delicious tacos?

i’d say that you only say that because of the subject of my writing and there are far worse things you can be. i really enjoy his writing and sometimes i write in short direct sentences because i’m afraid if i go on too long i’ll get too flowery and poetic and it’ll start to sound like i’m trying too-

got it. is it true that you dropped out of community college? 

i thought i said no more interruptions 

you were going on too long and i feared you’d get too flowery

fine. yes i did 

i know you did but i wanted to remind you. are you craving something right now? 

yes. ice cream. 

why?

i’ve cut down on my ativan a lot. and i quit vaping. as a result i’ve been eating a lot of sugar. i don’t have much of a sweet tooth either, but it’s how i’ve been coping 

would you say you have an addictive personality?

most ardently 

i like when you’re addicted to something that makes you lose weight instead of gaining it. like vaping. 

me too. but it was really bad and making my throat and lungs hurt

how much weight have you gained in the past two weeks? 

i’m not sure. haven’t been home to step on a scale

you were home for a day

yeah but i only like to weigh myself in the morning. before i’ve eaten. after i’ve peed. and if i ate too late the previous day i don’t like to weigh myself at all. 

neurotic 

i’m interviewing myself so that kind of goes without saying

can you trust yourself not to eat half the pint in one 

unfortunately not 

how long has this taken you to write? 

honestly over an hour. 

and it’s still no good? 

it’s no portnoy’s complaint but i think it’s fine

you’re too broke for psychoanalysis 

are you getting back at me for saying you’re too broke for this apartment earlier? 

yes. also you literally did not pay your psychoanalyst last year 

it was a few sessions. did you see his home office? he’ll be fine. he has a shiba inu

he heavily discounted his hour rate because he knew you when we were a medicaid teenager and felt bad for you. 

i know.

did you think he’d finally sleep with you this time? 

i had a very male reaction to psychoanalysis, i no longer wanted to sleep with him and instead felt disgust and anger towards him 

that is very male. are you trans? 

no just high testosterone i think 

is that why you’re so aggressive? please don’t say it’s because you’re latina. that shtick got so old two years ago 

well 

is that what you were going to say? 

i think that it’s part of it 

you’re not even a real latina. you’ve never been back to mexico. your spanish is awful. your interests and fashion more closely resemble those of any NPR lib in the neighborhood you’re in right now

i think i’m going to get that ice cream now 

where? 

foxtrot 

proving my point. first time leaving the apartment today? 

no my dad stopped by to drop off some stuff earlier 

oh that’s right. and you yelled at him, right? 

i was frustrated because my mom always ends up packing way too much stuff and it takes up too much space even though i tell her to not and it’s a whole thing 

it’s because she loves you. what’d you say to him?

i know. i screamed “i don’t need all this shit! i have this! and i have this too!” throwing a pair of contacts and contact solution bottle to the backseat of the car. he asked me if i needed a ride somewhere and i said “where the fuck would i need a ride to?!” 

and you said your spanish was bad? 

i’m fluent in screaming 

you did this while people could hear you, right? 

sometimes my anger gives me tunnel vision and i forget i’m around people 

what’d he say? 

he laughed. sometimes people think it’s cute when i get riled up. and then i laugh too. 

do you have anger issues? 

fucking obviously

no need to get aggressive. i’m just doing my job. can i say one thing without you getting upset? 

sure

you don’t belong in a middle class neighborhood. your bank account was over drafted this morning and you behave like a wild animal. the hood always suited you 

yeah but i’m trying to leave

they’ll know you’re a ghetto lunatic 

i’m really gonna get that pint now 

on your credit card? 

obviously 

you’re back. how was it?

i got a holiday pint cuz it was 25 percent off 

how’s that working out for you?

there’s a reason it was on clearance

there always is. can i ask you a question people actually want to know now instead of this weird masturbatory thing you’ve been doing 

sure

when are you going to do porn?

never

think you’re too good for it? 

no but the answer is still no

people are tired of you baring your soul. they just want to see your boobs

don’t hold your breath

you like writing? 

i do 

you have bad grammar

i barely finished high school 

what are you fearful of right now?

that this is too long. or too short. or bad. and people maybe read part of it but stopped. 

i think everyone dropped off at this point. 

yeah. i think we’re alone now

it’s the next morning, how did you sleep? 

pretty poorly. towards the end i had a dream i was pregnant and couldn’t find a public restroom. and it was raining. and my ex died. his mom was there. 

remember when you made his mom cry? 

yeah. i didn’t mean to. i feel really bad about that. 

but not about making him cry everyday? 

no, him and my mother cry everyday. so when i make them cry i figure they would’ve found a reason to do that anyway. they used to text a lot, they were actually friends. crybabies. it was weird.

unfortunately you find that they have more in common than you’re comfortable admitting. you always look for your mother in a boyfriend. do you cry a lot?

not necessarily. she just has great qualities, she is nurturing, doting, fiercely loyal, has disposed of dead bodies for me and would do it again. i don’t cry as much as they do. i just take a picture of it every time and post it to twitter so it seems like i do. i cry a lot when im heartbroken. or frustrated. 

you should note that the dead bodies are pet corpses, and that they died of natural causes. 

if i saw a sick cat in my backyard i would beg my parents to let me take it in. and i was on the wrong end of a craigslist scam. i bought a sick kitty in a walgreens parking lot. i couldn’t stand to look at them, stiff and lifeless. my mom dutifully took care of it and never told me the details. she’s a pro. 

she’s incredible. do you fear that if you talk too much about how you have low self esteem people will start to view you similar to how you view yourself? 

i feel like i have to issue a disclaimer after most everything i say. yes im writing, but don’t think i think it’s any good, etc. once i issue the disclaimer we can move on. i just have so many disclaimers.

masturbatory 

you can’t even pronounce that word

did you just get dumped recently?

yes. this guy i’d been going on dates with. fun dates great banter and also such a great face. crowded lower teeth, i find that really attractive. looked like young matthew broderick and michael j fox mixed together. and i had a really intense crush on him but it faded immediately when i got back from my trip. 

why?

i don’t want to say. 

you realized you could do better? 

i’m trying to remember that i have my whole life ahead of me and i’ve yet to experience so much of the world. and that i’m a kind, charming, good looking young woman.

do you believe that at all?

no. 

but as long as other people sort of believe it, it doesn’t really matter if you do, right?

the world is my oyster

you’re going to end up alone. also, you think you can do better than a lawyer that looks like matthew broderick and michael j fox’s love child?

i’ll live. also he forgot to make reservations once and we almost didn’t get a table. i got a blowout to see him! 

your mother would never. 

it’s just like… i’m asking you to make a reservation, not build a house with your bare hands. standing in front of the host stand like an idiot, i imagined what life would be like together. i’m holding a crying baby and he FORGOT to stop to get diapers. he FORGOT to pick us up from the doctors office. he FORGOT our baby is allergic to tree nuts. and he FORGOT the epipen. baby’s throat closes up. baby dies. baby died before baby was born. i already resent him, like a sitcom wife. 

you hadn’t even asked him to dispose of a kitten corpse yet

schopenhauer says conception begins when the parents start to love each other. 

doomed from the start. but don’t you think your standards are pretty high for a girl with fat arms?

yeah. i hate my arms, i can feel them right now. just being like, enormous. doubling in size

ice cream won’t help. also, just work out. it’s that simple. this is getting long 

yeah but only because it’s like, dialogue 

are we calling it that? 

what else would it be called!? 

do you have dissociative identity disorder? 

i was alone a lot as a child. making up stories for my dolls was my favorite thing to do. aside from playing monopoly by myself. once i was in a marshall’s that caught fire and my dad rushed me out, i remember seeing the flames. there was a garage sale down the road and they bought me the biggest dollhouse i would ever own. i would find new details in it every now and then, like a painting on the miniature walls that i hadn’t noticed before. i’m not sure but i think there’s something to that. we’d go to garage sales a lot. once i bought fairy wings and wore them home, and didn’t take them off for days. my mom also had trouble getting me into regular clothes. i liked being in my underwear a lot even when it wasn’t appropriate. we still have this argument now. i hated the way clothes felt against my skin. to this day my favorite thing to do is pretend. i asked my friend if she’d get on all fours and pretend to be a dog with me and i don’t think she wanted to. i’m watching the people in the building across from me from the window

are you a voyeur?

not in a sexual way. isn’t it funny that there is a voyeur category of porn? as if regular porn isn’t already that. if you watch porn that is voyeurism.

you didn’t answer either of those questions lol

let’s wrap up soon. what else have you got for me? 

did i ask if you’d do porn? 

the answer is still no 

even after sleeping on it? 

yes. i enjoy sex, food, sleep, and going to the park. to make any of them work would vacuum out the fun from it. i’m going out to the balcony, it’s nice out

are you going to give your neighbors a day off from seeing you in your underwear?

yeah, i just put on pants

your ex is fucking women way hotter than you right now

naturally, it’s miami. 

he lied and said he wasn’t fucking at all. 

so pious all of a sudden. 

what do you care if he’s fucking other women? 

i don’t. 

sure. that’s why we’re talking about it. are you sleepy? 

i think i’m just jealous that women don’t like me. i think i’m gonna take a nap on the couch. let’s actually wrap this up. 

okay. are you in a bad mood now?

no, just tired. 

what do you call it when 3 of your ex’s and your best friends ex are visiting the same city all at once? 

blonde bermuda triangle. 

that’s not even funny and it still made you smile to type it. 

it did. 

i knew i could cheer you up. did you want to make one last disclaimer? 

oh yeah. i used to have that app where people sent you anonymous questions and people were like “you’re totally sending these to yourself.” cause they were so doting. i fear that posting this and showing how skilled i am at inventing dialogue between two people when really it’s just me will confirm their suspicions. what happened is the majority of those messages were sent by the same 2 people, i later found out. 

you didn’t have to say that. 

but i wanted to. 

what did you want to say to people who will say that this incredibly long, boring, and self indulgent piece full of grammatical errors is an offense to writers, readers, and all people who are not blind? 

i’m thinking about publishing it in braille.